Definitely not a catalyst.

"A catalyst is a substance that affects the rate or direction of a chemical reaction, but is not appreciably consumed during the process." (Definition of a catalyst from one of my textbooks)

I am not a catalyst. Because what's been happening to me in the past few weeks is that, I am appreciably consumed yet I don't feel like I am significant enough to affect the reaction I am in right now whatsoever. I don't know if I can still stretch my understanding and be able to take this or eventually get used to this. I mean, it has been a long-term struggle of trying to lower my expectations of people - and I have learned how not to take things too personally. If you have known me before, you will say I have changed quite significantly. I have grown up and I have learned to accept people for who they are, in spite of the flaws and the unrequited fondness.

I haven't felt this way in quite a long time, to tell you. In fact, one of the things I have been really really proud of during the past few years despite the constant and determined turmoil of events in my life is that at least, I am secure and at peace with most of the relationships that I cherish.

I guess things just piled up without me knowing - now there is this uneasy feeing in my stomach that I'm sure was from a growing anxiety inside my heart. I've been feeling like I'm just being used (this is depressing I can't even bring my self to write down the exact events) and that I am not being appreciated. Sure I have felt like I was just an extra before, but I was able to deal with that but recent events made me feel like I really am an extra, to the point that I could no longer consider this as something my imaginative mind just imagined. I feel like I could just be dumped anytime. It sucks, because I sound like some teenager full of angst. And I am not even a teenager. I'm twenty-two so please catalyze my life and let love prevail. Thanks.

PS: I'm in a public wi-fi station and this creepy girl beside me keeps glancing over what I was typing. wth. at least wait for me to publish this.