who weds?

A week ago, one of my good friends from high school texted me, asking me to attend her wedding. Yes, her wedding. I laughed upon reading the text not because I was extremely happy for her that I went crazy. I laughed because I remembered that day back in high school when we made our predictions about who will be getting married first among the barkada - and we all agreed it would be her. We were just making fun of her during that time - in our circle, she is the most conservative, somehow shy and is almost always bordering on being naive. Voila, our prediction came true. I was not surprised about her getting married, I just didn't expect it to be this soon.


After that text, I started thinking a lot, realizing that people my age are already making big decisions about their lives and here I am, still at school, immature and is still not at peace with so many aspects of myself ( quarter-life crisis, is this you?). I am not saying I want to get married sooner, too. Point in fact, I have told some friends that I can't imagine myself in a wedding dress - okay, I can, I did! Every girl did, I am sure. But the weird thing is, each time I imagine my wedding, I spend more time imagining the theme, how the dress of the flower girls and the bridesmaids would be, how the church would look like, what the decoration would be, what colors will suit the reception, what souvenirs to give, what songs to play. I would have a clear vision of how I would like the wedding to be but I would never resolve how I would like my gown to look like or how and who the groom would be, it would always get boring and I will end up thinking about something else instead. So I concluded I'd better be a wedding planner - what do you think? Ahahay.

I have told a lot of people about not considering marriage as my option in the years to come - because I can't imagine myself settling down and building my own family. I think I'm just way too restless and self-centered to even care about taking care of a husband, raising kids and giving up on my dreams. Also, I'm thinking that I have wasted the entire past six years of my life studying chemical engineering that I have to make sure I'll make it up to myself once I graduated and passed the board exams. Considering the things I gave up, the difficulties I endured just to keep my ass seated in the college, I think I will be needing so much time to make it up to myself for keeping her away from the things that make her happy. I'm not even sure if the rest of my life is enough to make up to myself for making it all difficult for her. Sounds so melodramatic,you might feel like you're Charo Santos reading some letter for an upcoming episode. Ah, na-ah.

I feel so guilty for being so hard on myself that I wanted to do everything to make things better - and yes, you guessed it right, marriage is just not an option. Waaaargh. what the hell is going on and I am talking about err, err, marr.. marriage now? Haha, I got carried away I guess. A friend of mine told me it's too early for me to decide on things like these and perhaps it's just easy for me to say that I am deciding not take the 'common path of settling down' at this time - at this time when more of my friends are single than those who are already "tied". She said, I have to think if I can handle being alone when everybody else is married. Ah, how cheesy, I said. But then, I've been watching too many love stories nowadays (okay fine, K-dramas they are) which makes me wonder more about whether I can do without this icky kind of love. Oh sure, you can laugh all you want now.

My last relationship ended five years ago and I' m very very much okay about everything now, it's just that sometimes, it feels like I can still remember some of the pain. I realize that maybe, there's just no such thing as getting over AND getting rid of everything because the truth is, you really just can't get rid of everything, especially if it was real. But there's moving on, and that I know I was able to do.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in love, I get all giddy seeing people in love - it's just that, I think we can't stay long enough anywhere, no matter how much we wanted to. So, I guess I'm just not ready for any thing of this sort at the moment. It would be hypocrisy to say I don't want love(especially with all the kilig I'm getting when I watch these great K-dramas, haha), I do, but maybe just not the together-forever type, and maybe, just not now. Again, I am self-centered and there's nothing I can think of at this time but my own happiness - a kind that does not involve anybody else.

PS: I can't wait for Christmas break. I can't wait to watch all the 16 episodes of You're Beautiful, and without breaks! Haha.

May you all have the love you would need. Advance Merry Christmas everyone! :)