so used to this.

{this is some random sheet. sheet. ok?}

And, maybe we all go through this process. We all get used to things, sometimes even with things we didn't think we would get used to, like those that give us that constricting feeling in our chests. Many times, we tell ourselves we're okay, that it's no big deal, we'll be fine. We give ourselves time to wallow and then, we move on. We. move. on.

We move on, in spite of us not being ready. We move on, even if we don't know where to go. We move on, even if we don't know what just happened yet. We force ourselves to minimize the time we have to use for wallowing, we always say it's enough. Perhaps, it is... or does it matter? Whether we cry or wallow enough, we still have to do the same thing: move on. Because we all know the truth - we just don't have a choice. We have to do it or else we will be losers, stuck somewhere non-existing, a place we could only fantasize about. Funny, I know too well from my more than two decades of existence that I have done countless moving from one point to another but it was only recently that I have realized how moving on is different from getting over. I used to think they mean the same. They don't. I guess they're separated by a distance the same as an average diameter of our hair, but still, they don't mean the same.

It was also through these random realization (random, so random I realized this while I was eating some reheated corned beef from two days ago) that I discovered how getting used to could be parallel to forgetting or getting over.

Many people mistook getting used to something to getting over it. This is one big mistake we will find hard to admit once we realize we are committing it.

{So, why on Christmas?}

let's have a break.

I am very very determined to make this break worthwhile in spite of some people giving some ridiculous amount of homework on what was supposedly a break from the more ridiculous life those people are trying to put us into.

Anyway, I think I started the break right! Ahaha.

***I attended Chealand's wedding. Oh, I got so touched when his father was not able to hold his tears and just went back to his seat in the middle of his speech. I also got teary-eyed many times. What's up with weddings? Well, maybe everything was just so touching considering it was our Chealand. I wish her so much happiness in this new chapter of her life. And I had such wonderful bonuses: I went there with April, and Leigh was there too so I was able to spend the day with two of my most cherished friends in the universe. It was just a happy day. April and I had a crush on the video camera man but only Leigh had the courage to call Mr. Video Man's attention and ask to take his picture - to April's embarrassment of course. Hahaha. Plus, I was able to see one of Chealand's friends whom I had a crush on a few years back when I saw him at Lan's debut. Wahaha!

***I had a fun Lantern Parade though I lost my USB (again!) and my key and my pouch(which by the way, is not really mine but my sister's! and it was one of her birthday gifts!). Good thing it only had 75Php. April, Norina and I even had the chance to drink some beer at Sarah's before heading to Bulacan. :)

***I am enjoying the presence of so many pets at home. We have 3 cats, two kittens, one dog, one puppy and a chicken! Yey. Haha. I'll upload their photos next time.

***Finally was able to watch Paranormal Activity(I'm not even sure about the title and I'm so lazy to open another tab and look it up on google. I'm zorry) while April was sleeping beside me. It as 2pm that's why not a hair in any part of my body got any scare from what was supposedly a scary movie. No chills, no anything. Oh, well. At least I know it was not worth 150Php at the movie house.

***After a month of researching and researching and even visiting the National Statistics Office for the data on the Local Production and Consumption of beer for the past five years, I was able to find the PDF file (which has everything, as in everything and exactly what I needed) from the website of the World Health Organization just today - just in time for my 140's deadline for deficiencies. Ah, thank God.

***I finished all the 16 episodes of You're Beautiful! My gawd, this series just woke up the ultimate fan girl in me. Hahaha. I totally love everything about it especially the soundtrack. I'll stop right there because, I'm sure the moment I start describing just how adorable the series is, I will not be able to stop. Hehe. :)












{These photos I got from Jang Geun Suk and Park Shin Hye's Facebook}


That's just it for now but I already feel like celebrating about everything(again, despite of you know...). I am hoping to do more fun stuff and I do hope tomorrow will be a better day. Hahaha. Merry, merry Christmas everyone!

P.S. sa sedatib

Na-move ang 125 exam! salamat sa mga nakaisip mag-petition. :) yey!

sedatib pala

Sedative/Pampakalma.

1AM.

Pinilit kong labanan ang takot sa mga multo at nagpasyang pumunta sa kusina para mag-init ng tubig – kailangan ko ng kape. Habang paakyat, (dahil sa boarding house namin ay nasa pinakataas na palapag ang common room – kusina at salas) ay nagdadasal ako na sana ay wala doon ang itim na asong madalas na nakatambay, at sana ay wala akong makasalubong na estrangherong kelan lang ay nakapasok sa boarding house at nanilip pa sa kuwarto. Hiniling ko rin na sana ay may gaas pa sa gasul at sana ay hindi sira ang kalan para hindi ko na kailangan pang magposporo. Salamat sa Diyos at tinupad niya ang mga kahilingan ko.

Habang pinaiinit ang tubig ay binuksan ko ang bintana at dumungaw sa kalangitan. Ang linaw ng langit – otomatiko kong naalala ang mga gabi ko sa AstroSoc kung sa’n nagagawa pa naming maglatag ng kutson dun sa labas ng observatory( dahil mababa pa ang mga damo) habang nakatingala sa langit – Hay, sarap. Bigla akong inatake ng nostalgia, parang sa isang biglaang ihip ng hangin ay naramdaman ko ulit yung mismong pakiramdam habang nakahiga sa kutson, lamig na lamig kahit naka-jacket, nakatingala sa mga bituin habang nagdadasal na sana matapos na lahat ng sakit sa pusong nararamdaman ko nung mga panahong ‘yon. Binibigyan kita ng permiso para magsabi ng “Yuck! This person is so baduy, so emow” sa puntong ‘to.
Limang taon na pala, parang kelan lang. Parehong pakiramdam pa rin ang dala sa’kin ng mga bituin, nakikilala ko pa rin ang ilang constellations pero hindi ko na alam ang mga pangalan nila – na sa tingin ko naman ay hindi na importante sa’kin sa ngayon. Sapat na sa’king may hindi ako maipaliwanag na magandang pakiramdam kapag tumitingala ako sa ganito kagandang langit. Nawala ang lahat ng inis ko dulot ng hindi makatarungang seating arrangement base sa class standing na pauso ng isa naming instructor. Kung naalala ko lang sana parate na ito lang ang kailangan ko para kumalma, e di sana dinadalas-dalasan ko ang pag-akyat dito sa taas. Kaso, hindi.

Itutuloy ko pa sana ang pagsesenti kaso nag-ingay na bigla yung takore. Tinimpla ko na ang kape at bumalik sa kwarto at isinulat ‘to bago bumalik sa tunay na buhay: may exam pa ko sa chemical reaction engineering pitong oras mula ngayon.
*** Isinulat ko to habang nakikinig sa kantang Sa Araw ng Pasko (by All Stars – iba ibang artista, hehe),at natatawa kapag naaalala yung itsura ng bangs ni jolina at ni roselle nava sa music video nito. Hahaha.
Merry Christmas pa rin! Nine days to go! :D

who weds?

A week ago, one of my good friends from high school texted me, asking me to attend her wedding. Yes, her wedding. I laughed upon reading the text not because I was extremely happy for her that I went crazy. I laughed because I remembered that day back in high school when we made our predictions about who will be getting married first among the barkada - and we all agreed it would be her. We were just making fun of her during that time - in our circle, she is the most conservative, somehow shy and is almost always bordering on being naive. Voila, our prediction came true. I was not surprised about her getting married, I just didn't expect it to be this soon.


After that text, I started thinking a lot, realizing that people my age are already making big decisions about their lives and here I am, still at school, immature and is still not at peace with so many aspects of myself ( quarter-life crisis, is this you?). I am not saying I want to get married sooner, too. Point in fact, I have told some friends that I can't imagine myself in a wedding dress - okay, I can, I did! Every girl did, I am sure. But the weird thing is, each time I imagine my wedding, I spend more time imagining the theme, how the dress of the flower girls and the bridesmaids would be, how the church would look like, what the decoration would be, what colors will suit the reception, what souvenirs to give, what songs to play. I would have a clear vision of how I would like the wedding to be but I would never resolve how I would like my gown to look like or how and who the groom would be, it would always get boring and I will end up thinking about something else instead. So I concluded I'd better be a wedding planner - what do you think? Ahahay.

I have told a lot of people about not considering marriage as my option in the years to come - because I can't imagine myself settling down and building my own family. I think I'm just way too restless and self-centered to even care about taking care of a husband, raising kids and giving up on my dreams. Also, I'm thinking that I have wasted the entire past six years of my life studying chemical engineering that I have to make sure I'll make it up to myself once I graduated and passed the board exams. Considering the things I gave up, the difficulties I endured just to keep my ass seated in the college, I think I will be needing so much time to make it up to myself for keeping her away from the things that make her happy. I'm not even sure if the rest of my life is enough to make up to myself for making it all difficult for her. Sounds so melodramatic,you might feel like you're Charo Santos reading some letter for an upcoming episode. Ah, na-ah.

I feel so guilty for being so hard on myself that I wanted to do everything to make things better - and yes, you guessed it right, marriage is just not an option. Waaaargh. what the hell is going on and I am talking about err, err, marr.. marriage now? Haha, I got carried away I guess. A friend of mine told me it's too early for me to decide on things like these and perhaps it's just easy for me to say that I am deciding not take the 'common path of settling down' at this time - at this time when more of my friends are single than those who are already "tied". She said, I have to think if I can handle being alone when everybody else is married. Ah, how cheesy, I said. But then, I've been watching too many love stories nowadays (okay fine, K-dramas they are) which makes me wonder more about whether I can do without this icky kind of love. Oh sure, you can laugh all you want now.

My last relationship ended five years ago and I' m very very much okay about everything now, it's just that sometimes, it feels like I can still remember some of the pain. I realize that maybe, there's just no such thing as getting over AND getting rid of everything because the truth is, you really just can't get rid of everything, especially if it was real. But there's moving on, and that I know I was able to do.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in love, I get all giddy seeing people in love - it's just that, I think we can't stay long enough anywhere, no matter how much we wanted to. So, I guess I'm just not ready for any thing of this sort at the moment. It would be hypocrisy to say I don't want love(especially with all the kilig I'm getting when I watch these great K-dramas, haha), I do, but maybe just not the together-forever type, and maybe, just not now. Again, I am self-centered and there's nothing I can think of at this time but my own happiness - a kind that does not involve anybody else.

PS: I can't wait for Christmas break. I can't wait to watch all the 16 episodes of You're Beautiful, and without breaks! Haha.

May you all have the love you would need. Advance Merry Christmas everyone! :)