Of Things Potentially Tragic

And you were there, sleeping so soundly beside me. It's halfway past five in the morning, the lights were turned off and I can only make out how you look by the light that's coming in through the window from the lamp post outside. It had been raining the whole night, and it still is up to this moment. I think about the cold, I think about you and how, no matter what I do I can't seem to understand why no amount of resistance or control will be able to make me do all things right and that no matter how I try hard to protect your feelings,I will still, at some points, hurt you.

You're different, that said in the spirit of everything cliche-ic. But yes, you are, you are nothing like I have experienced before. Everything I have learned to try to manage my feelings are of no use anymore because the feelings I have now are too abstract a concept to be categorized as controllable, or manageable.

I have come to terms with my being emotional and I have, to some level, mastered the art of ignoring overwhelming feelings or anything emotional that I can't seem to justify. But you came in, crashing in, intensifying everything, catalyzing a variety of reactions inside me - most of which I have a hard time dealing with. My weaknesses, my strengths, my logic, oh how they all got mixed up.

Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed I start to doubt if I have enough stamina to hold on. Or if this is the right time, to get my self involved with something so complicated, just when I'm realizing that I actually have a great deal of immature issues. Sometimes, I get lost, like nothing is familiar, that I'm not even sure if I am still myself. But you stayed, reached out when I turn away, gave me space when you think I need it but came around looking for me when I'm gone too long. Then I remind myself about why we need clarity or security when really, everything is unsure.

I think about how it could have made you felt, expected to meet all my ridiculous standards. I am selfish, and you are, too because nobody in the universe really isn't. I wish I could be more patient but right now, I can only be grateful that you are, even at times that I don't deserve forgiveness.

It scares me, how potentially tragic this can be but then, how can I let this chance pass when you are so beautiful like that?

Some Things We Just Don't Get Used To

There are some things that I never get used to. Like the heat here in my tropical country. I mean, I've never been anywhere else really and it's somewhat illogical that in my 23 years of existence, I still get highly irritable with the heat even if this is the only kind of weather I know.

But that's tolerable. Some other things in this category are well, not. I know that no matter how many times we do this take-you-to-the-airport-wait-three-to-four-years-pick-you-up-at-the-airport thing, I will always, always feel the same. Sad, but I will only give myself a chance at feeling that way for a while because I have no choice. I guess it is supposed to be easy. If I have learned to live with it for the past four years, what's another four?

I realized though that learning to live with something is not the same as getting used to it. The pain is still there, everyday. On some days it will be extreme it'd make you mad. On some other days, it's quiet, as if waiting for a perfect timing of striking.

So next week, you will no longer be here. So at night when I open the fridge, there would no longer be a cup of water with your dentures soaked in it. I'd miss seeing you in your favorite bestida, or seeing you in front of the mirror combing your 'relaxed' hair. That two months you spent here were so short that they were not enough to make your presence seem real, for it feels quite weird to see you inside the house because for the past four years, you were but a voice at the other end of the telephone line. This time though, since I've taught you how to use Skype, it will be different.

I hate to admit it but I regret being so selfish that I fail to focus on our time together. I am always too engrossed in my own issues, and I am still immature. Such a shame for a person of my age.

But here we are, and I can only apologize for being so childish. Oh funny, you know that even if I'm already forty, I'd still be an angsty teenager. I'm so sorry for trying so hard to be tough and pretending I'm just not into the cheesy stuff. I guess I just don't want to get used to you being around.

Until after the next three years, you know I would miss you everyday. Don't worry though, I promise to be nicer, especially to him.

Come on, why are you bathing me in lemonade?

I don't believe it.

What do they say, life is full of surprises? Well, hell I am surprised. And terrified at the same time. It is like being in another roller-coaster-cliche: You're scared, you're excited but over-all it felt great beyond what you have imagined.

Now, even the smallest of details create the strongest turbulence.

Something has been "set a blazed". And I hope that it takes long before dying out.

I hope it never dies out, at all.

Elusive Sunflowers

What if, things do not really happen for a reason? What if they just do? They just happen?

Sometimes I think it is easier to think that things do not happen for some greater purpose shit, because it felt like just some form of consolation when we don't know what else to do or when there is no one else to blame(not that we always need to). It no longer works for me, this karma or destiny thing. Each time I try to give myself comfort by using this mantra, I just get more depressed and worse I feel pathetic, like some voice at the back of my head is screaming in revolt and is trying to rub into my being the stupidity of trying to justify my mistakes with destiny (how many times have I said the word? I apologize, my vocab is not too good at this time especially when I'm thinking about how to finish Utilities Costing for my plant design).

I don't want to believe in greater reasons because I can't handle the level of frustration I get when I really don't get the analogy between wanting something so much and still seeing a part of yourself wasted(okay, what does that mean?).

I think it's easier for me to believe in causes rather than reasons. It's more logical to look at myself being an idiot for persisting with my errors that's why I'd never get the chance to be deserving of those yellow things that mean the world to many of the people I know.

It's easier to accept the fact that I have wasted time and handicapped many beautiful opportunities because I am lazy. Now, I have to do some serious overhaul than stay naive and believe that the Universe will be kind to me someday.

There is no point in believing in reasons actually. You messed up because you are being lead to something better, you got stuck because you have to learn something, someday you'll see?

No, thanks. Things just happen: you messed up, now you have to do some cleaning up.

Pick Up

Pick Yourself Up. Grow up and just fucking do it.

This Day Feels Perfect

I just finished eating breakfast (which my housemate and I cooked)and the day seemed so peaceful. It is cold, maybe because it has been raining the whole night (it was still raining when I went to bed at 4 am). That rain however, was light, there weren't even winds (okay, that was your weather report for last night). It was just cold, and I felt as if I actually needed that slight downpour. It gave me calmness or so that is what I would like to believe in - imagine, I only had around two hours of sleep, I was 30 minutes late to my one-hour PE class but when I went home I still had the energy to cook for breakfast. On normal days I would have just went to bed and catch more sleep.

But this day, I guess is not normal, beyond that I suppose. When we were eating breakfast, the birds were chirping in the background (they still are up to this moment), the radio was on and some 70's music was playing. This is probably some kind of a consolation from the universe, I thought, because I don't even feel the usual grogginess I get when I only had too little sleep.

I have been worrying about a lot of things lately and it's showing in my skin. My eyebags are darker and I always feel funny in my stomach. We call this stress, don't we? I know I usually worry a lot and I know I have to grow up and be less of a panicky person because the truth is, I can't remember a time that I was able to accomplish a lot of things because of constant worrying. I feel inspired today, thanks to the weather. I hope this inspiration fuels me until early hours of tomorrow, please, please Universe.

This day feels really perfect, so even if my Tinikling was not perfect earlier at PE class (I have been tripping on the bamboos demmit), I am claiming this day to be a good one. Bye for now, I got to watch the Tinikling videos I have downloaded on youtube.

I wish you would have a great day, too :)

Cracks

I have won in my struggle but the victory gave me the weirdest feeling, a terrible, funny kind of pain, and it's as if my body is rejecting the winning.

The only goal of my struggle was to "un-want" something, and it took so much effort because I was intensely at the opposite. I went into the extremes: some days I felt like I want it so much while on some points I was certain I abhor it I even felt like I'm disgusted.

I took so much comfort in that little sphere of abnormalities that I got myself into because inside that sphere I have felt my senses come to life, and they were more alive at those moments than at any other points in my life. But I have seen it clearly - the irrationality of it expanding into real life. That sphere was so frail, that by trying to extend its borders, even by the tiniest almost negligible actions, cracks will be made.

The things inside that sphere were real, though. They were real, they were real. They were real. But they only have a meaning to me.

No matter what you say, I know they don't mean anything to you. But I don't blame you. Heck, it was all just because of my faulty emotional make up. When all this turn to dust, I will not be the same and I'm sure of it. You however, will still be you, unshaken and unaffected. But I don't have a problem with that. I can't have a problem with that.

The problem is that I already know what this means from the very beginning but my genetic code is configured so differently from yours (of course), so I can't look at this the way you do, that I went around twisting and hitting my head somewhere hard - things that were not suppose to happen at all. I thought I can handle this level of deviation - I can't. Our foundation was not suppose to go an inch up the lowest level of Maslow's triangle. I was okay with that - at first. And then,

I was almost falling.

And now I am tired and I am very certain to get back to a stable ground. Actually, I already am. Almost.

So I won, this stability has been my goal but here I am in a twisted world so whether I am on a stable ground or not, I feel burdened.

Must be the February air.

The Restraining Order

To restrain yourself from the doing the things you would like to do for the sake of the more important ones.

The question is, up to what extent will this Order hold?

Where will you buy the stamina needed so you can go further, enough that you would not need any kind of a stupid order?

Yesterday, I've Done Alright.

Yeah, I did.

For there was the restraining act, which made me hurt in my stomach but made me feel alright because I know I did what is right.

And I was so sure it has to start with just one decision: that I don't want this anymore, even if something inside me screams for it that the thought of it always makes me ache.

Yesterday I was so sure about it. So sure that I actually felt free and light in spite of all the rejections of my subconscious. I was sure and there would be no turning back.

Then, I saw you.

And I am back to zero.

But my decision has not changed, and it never will, only that now I know this will be harder.

Mediocre, How Do I Spell

I wonder if everyone goes through that stage of utter mediocrity. Or even below that.

Theories, theories.

I have a lot of theories. Most of them though, I never get to knowing whether they apply in real life as facts or as theories alone until the end. I suck at handling my emotions, and I like to assume we all do at some point or another. In my case however, the normal state is the difficulty at identifying the feeling itself. I have this tendency to over-analyze or misinterpret my own self so as a defense-mechanism, I usually end up pretending that nothing is happening.

I don't know what to blame: my acting skills, my excellent selective memory or my sucker emotional control that I sometimes get to the point of convincing myself about how simple a rather complicated thing is. My pretensions are beyond convincing I assure you. When I have selectively disregarded the facts I proceed to embracing my heart with this fake safety net that I have created for myself. I will feel safe, my mind thinks. But then, what happens at quite moments of uncontrolled tilting of the earth's axis? Now that's another theory I've got - that the earth's axis' tilt is not at all constant. Its angle sometimes changes by infinitesimal degrees. This supposedly negligible change however, results to changes in pressure, so small it affects only your heart, makes it constrict, makes you feel cold and all of sudden very lonely.

Also, it makes you wanna cry, smoke a cigarette or go to the moon. And you wont have any idea why. Or that it's actually because the earth decided to change it's tilt a little bit.

OKAY. Scrap all of those. I know why I wanna cry, smoke or go to the moon at this moment. I know exactly why. I just can't accept it. I mean, why can't I be sad instead because the one I like wont like me back? Or, because I am broke I wont have anything to eat for the whole week?

Why this reason. Why.

PS: I'm so sorry, Earth's tilt, for blaming you. I assume by now you're used to me using you for my escapist tendencies.

The Consolation Prize

Nothing is probably better than knowing where to stand especially when you have been spending a great deal of time trying to define things and twist your perspectives just so they'd fit conveniently to whatever your emotions can handle. But that's an attempt at an escape, as I have realized we cannot really just purely base everything on perspective.

And when you finally get to see things clearly, just as they are,and not as how you would like to see them, it feels as if finally everything will start to be fine. At least, inside you. Because now, you know where is hope and where there is none.

Now it will be easier to indulge in things, without guilt, without thinking about what will happen after wards because now you are sure about your current state's radius.