And you were there, sleeping so soundly beside me. It's halfway past five in the morning, the lights were turned off and I can only make out how you look by the light that's coming in through the window from the lamp post outside. It had been raining the whole night, and it still is up to this moment. I think about the cold, I think about you and how, no matter what I do I can't seem to understand why no amount of resistance or control will be able to make me do all things right and that no matter how I try hard to protect your feelings,I will still, at some points, hurt you.
You're different, that said in the spirit of everything cliche-ic. But yes, you are, you are nothing like I have experienced before. Everything I have learned to try to manage my feelings are of no use anymore because the feelings I have now are too abstract a concept to be categorized as controllable, or manageable.
I have come to terms with my being emotional and I have, to some level, mastered the art of ignoring overwhelming feelings or anything emotional that I can't seem to justify. But you came in, crashing in, intensifying everything, catalyzing a variety of reactions inside me - most of which I have a hard time dealing with. My weaknesses, my strengths, my logic, oh how they all got mixed up.
Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed I start to doubt if I have enough stamina to hold on. Or if this is the right time, to get my self involved with something so complicated, just when I'm realizing that I actually have a great deal of immature issues. Sometimes, I get lost, like nothing is familiar, that I'm not even sure if I am still myself. But you stayed, reached out when I turn away, gave me space when you think I need it but came around looking for me when I'm gone too long. Then I remind myself about why we need clarity or security when really, everything is unsure.
I think about how it could have made you felt, expected to meet all my ridiculous standards. I am selfish, and you are, too because nobody in the universe really isn't. I wish I could be more patient but right now, I can only be grateful that you are, even at times that I don't deserve forgiveness.
It scares me, how potentially tragic this can be but then, how can I let this chance pass when you are so beautiful like that?
What a beautifully written entry! I feel what you feel sometimes towards your significant other. I am incredibly sensitive, selfish, and stubborn at times that I feel that it will affect my relationship so negatively that it will eventually lead to something potentially tragic. I love him too much to let it happen and vice versa.
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