I guess it's true.

Maybe they have been right all along.

Maybe we really don't forget about someone we used to love. Maybe we just get used to them not being around anymore, maybe we just get to accept the fact that they can no longer stay with us(geez, I'm not talking about dead people hahaha). And, maybe it's true, once we give out a piece of our hearts, we can no longer take it back - even when it's given back to us.

I don't know. I'm not sure. Will this explain why after years and years of having moved on, you still feel something inside you twitch when you think about how things used to be? I wonder, really because the case is not always like that. Some times you might even spend hours looking at someone's picture(okay, really I don't do that) and feel like you've never known that person even if that person used to be the only one you seem to know that well. But there are these random moments when you feel like you miss them so much and you wonder why things did not turn out okay. Or why they did not stay longer. Or why we have to forget about people we love so that one day they're just someone you used to love. I mean, can't we just love them forever? As in the kind of love that gives the person a free will, the one that does not demand. The one that does not try to possess. I'm such an advocate, huh?

I just realize that it's sad how we have to stop loving someone, how we have to force ourselves to stop considering a person as someone special. How a person we used to know becomes someone so unfamiliar. It makes me sad that it seems like things just go that way, that we may not want to do it but sooner or later we will (have to) forget about the people we love if things did not work out.

Maybe this is just some kind of a hangover from watching too many korean rom-com series (currently I'm gaga over Coffee Prince ahaha) or maybe this is just a manifestation of how loyal I really am, oh well, should I put in a "hehe"? Seriously, I'm one of the loyaleeest person you'll ever meet. It just makes me sad having to see someone fade out of my life. But I'm doing just fine adjusting to the laws of nature you know.

I might have forgotten about how I have felt about you, my feelings died and I really am not hoping we'll be friends again. I would be lying if I say I think of you often, because I don't. But I do remember you sometimes and though I have completely moved on, I still feel like I miss you and I hope, deep deep down that you're doing fine. I know we're better off not being friends but I want you to know that our memories make me smile and that uh, you will always be special. :)

Fugacity, or the tendency to escape.

Because I'm not sure if it's me who's been eating thermodynamics for the longest time now or if it's the other way around. Anyways, if it's true I've replaced my basic human needs with thermodynamics instead, I think I'm anorexic. I eat, and then I puke. I don't intend to. Sometimes I think my system is just not hardwired to take in all those fucking real gas properties and freaking Poynting correction factor at the very least. Alright, I have had enough rant sessions about my current "academic" situation so I'm not going to delve into that so much. For now.

I haven't been writing. I'm so surprised that my journal(yes, a notebook similar to the logbook of security guards) has 3 months worth of empty pages. Ever since I was in grade six, the longest interval for my entries would be three weeks. Never was it more than a month. And then, this.

Maybe it was because nothing interesting has really been going on. I mean, I don't hate my life, it's just that, right now, it's mechanical. Or maybe, my laziness has just reached an all time high. It was only recently that I realized how I have been feeling so sleepy everytime I'm caught under an unwanted situation. I'd even doze off for a few moments during some of my exams! My gawd, how I need psychiatric help. I think it is my body's defense mechanism. I feel so guilty for always wanting to escape, or for always wanting to be somewhere else and it scares me that I'm getting used to it. Gaah, this is my life and no matter how screwed up it could get, I know I'm still the one responsible for it. It's a hard battle, really. Ah, please please make my fugacity much lower. {I sound so angsty and nerdy you won't believe I dance to SNSD's songs. Haha,hathis is what I got from chemical engineering}

never again

What do you do when you were not able to wake up on time for your 8am (when you check the time, it's already 12 noon) class because you stayed awake until 530am doing a probset?

You recheck the time.

You check your phone and when you see 5 missed calls and many messages asking you where you were, you accept the truth - you missed one laboratory class which is worth a lot.

And then you sit up and cry at the edge of your bed, out of frustration, for not hearing any of the three clocks you set to alarm at 7am - no, you actually remembered snoozing one of them.

I felt bad the whole day because I was so frustrated with myself. And I feel sorry that my negative energies rubbed off on others (thankfully, they were patient enough to understand and even tried cheering me up). This day is one of those days where you have to tell yourself that you suck and then you feel that very strong desire to pick everything up and do all you can to prevent this from happening again.

I suck. In the future maybe I'll suck again, at doing other things. But never again, at this.

ah, 4am.

This picture was taken at around four or 5am, I think. I was making love with my calculator, my laptop and our computer doing a probset for some shitty thermodynamics.

I didn't have any sleep yet but I'm still alive, thanks to this ever reliable Cobra Energy Drink plus a cup of coffee.

I'm posting this because this is the first time I took time trying to understand what has been going on in this subject. It's been three months since the semester started, and yes this is the first time I tried taking a look at its face. I have feared it all along, and tonight, I have conquered a part of that fear. What a reason to celebrate, don't you think?

Three Types of People.

The place-holders.

The energy-suckers.

The users.


Ah, what a heartbreak this world contains.

to the truest blank of all.

Have I lost it?

It feels different now,

when I gaze at the stars,

or stare out into the night and see the buildings and houses and their lights.

I'm sure things have changed, pretty simple but still,

I don't think I'm getting it.

Why, does it have to feel so much different?

that picture is from http://fav.me/d294k6s

more things to smile about.

A friend of mine posted on facebook that those who were born in the year of the rabbit would be lucky this year. Also, Zenaida Something from Umagang Kay Ganda said those born under the water signs (my sign Scorpio included) are going to be lucky this year. So it has been predicted: I will be lucky this year. I. Me. Kaycee Vidal Cabantac, is going to get freakingly LUCKY this year because every kind of Astrology said so. That means:

1. I'll pass my 125 exam on Thursday.
2. I'll be able to finish all my formal reports before Tuesday.
3. I'll get my preferred schedule for my derma check up this week.
4. I'll get my preferred schedule for camglish - and I will be accepted.
5. I'll pass everything. As in everything.
6. Mother will come home on summer.
7. None of our pets will die.
8. Next sem, our department will have better instructors - those who are there to really teach.
9. On summer, I will be able to visit Samar - for a near-heaven experience.
10. On sembreak, I will be able to visit my cousin in La Union - and go beaching for all I want.
11. I'll be enlisted in my dream PE - Archery, in the perfect schedule.
12. I'll have the strength to go on a diet and lose the fats residing around my abdomen. Hahaha.
13. I'll have the perfect idea for plant design.
14. No Martial Law will be announced until the election on May is through.
15. More people with genuine care for the country will be winning the elections.
16. I'll be writing better posts. Hehe.
17. I will be more time conscious.
18. 4th annual get-together with grade school friends will push through.
19. The holidays will be just as fun, as wonderful and as peaceful - or better. :)
20. I'll get my dream OJT.
21. I'll draw better and be able to draw life-like portraits.
22. I'll read more Ayn Rand.
23. I'll be able to save.

But then, if you're friends with someone named Joel C., he might have influenced you on not believing on just getting lucky - but on believing about being blessed.

Before the year ended, I tried looking back on my past few years and why, no matter how OK things are, I just feel like they are not. I realized it's because within the past five years, I had never been far from Him than ever. My wish for this year is to get closer. I don't know how I will start but I'm hoping He will lead me towards the right path. I don't know if I should also believe in the prediction that rabbit-people will get lucky especially in their romantic relationships, I don't care anyway. It does not matter whether not everything on my list happens - I'm believing that I will not just get lucky, I will be blessed and that means better things will happen.

I wish for the courage to let go of bad things - of negative feelings, of negative thoughts about myself and about other people. I wish to let go of procrastination, of prejudices, of being unmindful of my time. I wish to have the strength to show the people I love about how much they matter. I wish I'll never again, be the first person to reject myself. I wish to be more forgiving and more understanding - of myself and of others. I wish to be more grateful of the things I was given. Relax, I don't want to be a saint. I just want to be a better person, someone less of a hypocrite than I was the past few years. This, I owe, to those people who had kept me smiling (and I know will continue to do so), to my self and to the life I was gifted with.

2010 will be more fruitful and of course, happier. I'm sure I will have more things to smile about and I wish for everyone to have the same. :)

PS (I love PS-ing, ok? hehe): Sometimes, I still have to force my smiles, but I am convinced I will have less of those forced ones this year.