Shift + Delete, and other braver things.

You probably think that I hardly pay attention to you, or the things that you say. Or the things that piss you off, or those that get you. You probably think I don't know the look in your eyes when I say something off, something along the lines of "I just don't want to and I don't care about anything else.", each time you ask me why I wasn't talking to you. You probably think I don't recognize the smile on your face when I catch you off-guard and you try to hide the awkwardness, or when you want to veer my attention to something else other than the truth - because you don't know how to lie. I know all these, and their familiarity to my system makes me rather unskilled at handling the emotions that come out each time I recognize what your gestures and your expressions mean. I am not that naive. I'm rather good at remembering what face comes with what state of mind as I'm good at remembering lines from songs and movies. You assume I can't handle any transparency, that you're protecting me from trying to hide things from me but I am actually adept at finding answers to all my curiosity. I. will. always. find. a. way. And I'm being pushed away, by my own self. By my insecurities that you unintentionally feed, by your poor proper-sentence-construction-skills, by your lack of understanding that I'm almost always capable of fixing myself, that you don't have to feel bad about it because I have always been that way, that you don't have to feel like you have to make all things better for me. By your inability to make me understand why you are trying so hard to keep this thing that had been gone so long ago, your attempts all focused and unique to this one thing when there are others obviously more deserving. It must be really special. Also, by your inability to learn that I am a person of harsh words, words that burn and stab when I don't intend them to, that this is the main reason why I choose to be a mute when I am emotionally charged because I might create more damage than I can attend to, that I need to breathe, I need air, I need to get some outer space air then just back when I am no longer at a boiling point. You are not the only weird person here. I can tell people off by being wrong at their grammar, by not falling in line properly, by not following simple traffic rules, by being plain jerks but I can never for the life of me, tell someone off when I am being neglected, or feeling disrespected - by the people I care for, or by the people who I think care about me, too. I always find it inconvenient to verbalize my thoughts when the feelings are personal and they no longer involve strangers being asshole in public places. I realize I don't like public confrontation of my feelings (when I say public it means to confront in front of someone else than myself). I just never learned how to do it, you know. I always end up being melodramatic (which I totally hate) and not able to communicate my point properly. I always end up being a disaster, and feeling senseless and disgusted at myself. So I ask you, to be more understanding of my incapacity to talk when I'm emotional. Please don't force me to talk, just leave me alone but be kind enough to give me the chance to speak when I'm ready. And please don't cut me off when I'm talking, don't dismiss my points and try to see my side. Try to really see my side. Also, please pretend to listen when I'm talking so enthusiastically about something because there's nothing more discouraging than not having an audience when you think you have just discovered something really worth sharing, or having to stop talking because the person you're with seems totally uninterested with what you re saying. Geez, how heartbreaking. Just, pretend to listen. Just, pretend. (Cue in The Cardigans here) I have paid so much attention, so much that I've seen things I wasn't supposed to see. Don't get mad at me for the littlest things because that makes me feel very stupid. I know your patience stretches far more than that. I know you can do better than that. You've done it before, you can do it again for sure. Just, show me what you mean when you said it was over. *Note to self. PS: I was supposed to write about something else and ended up with this, hence the title has nothing to do with the content.