Cracks

I have won in my struggle but the victory gave me the weirdest feeling, a terrible, funny kind of pain, and it's as if my body is rejecting the winning.

The only goal of my struggle was to "un-want" something, and it took so much effort because I was intensely at the opposite. I went into the extremes: some days I felt like I want it so much while on some points I was certain I abhor it I even felt like I'm disgusted.

I took so much comfort in that little sphere of abnormalities that I got myself into because inside that sphere I have felt my senses come to life, and they were more alive at those moments than at any other points in my life. But I have seen it clearly - the irrationality of it expanding into real life. That sphere was so frail, that by trying to extend its borders, even by the tiniest almost negligible actions, cracks will be made.

The things inside that sphere were real, though. They were real, they were real. They were real. But they only have a meaning to me.

No matter what you say, I know they don't mean anything to you. But I don't blame you. Heck, it was all just because of my faulty emotional make up. When all this turn to dust, I will not be the same and I'm sure of it. You however, will still be you, unshaken and unaffected. But I don't have a problem with that. I can't have a problem with that.

The problem is that I already know what this means from the very beginning but my genetic code is configured so differently from yours (of course), so I can't look at this the way you do, that I went around twisting and hitting my head somewhere hard - things that were not suppose to happen at all. I thought I can handle this level of deviation - I can't. Our foundation was not suppose to go an inch up the lowest level of Maslow's triangle. I was okay with that - at first. And then,

I was almost falling.

And now I am tired and I am very certain to get back to a stable ground. Actually, I already am. Almost.

So I won, this stability has been my goal but here I am in a twisted world so whether I am on a stable ground or not, I feel burdened.

Must be the February air.

The Restraining Order

To restrain yourself from the doing the things you would like to do for the sake of the more important ones.

The question is, up to what extent will this Order hold?

Where will you buy the stamina needed so you can go further, enough that you would not need any kind of a stupid order?

Yesterday, I've Done Alright.

Yeah, I did.

For there was the restraining act, which made me hurt in my stomach but made me feel alright because I know I did what is right.

And I was so sure it has to start with just one decision: that I don't want this anymore, even if something inside me screams for it that the thought of it always makes me ache.

Yesterday I was so sure about it. So sure that I actually felt free and light in spite of all the rejections of my subconscious. I was sure and there would be no turning back.

Then, I saw you.

And I am back to zero.

But my decision has not changed, and it never will, only that now I know this will be harder.