Mediocre, How Do I Spell

I wonder if everyone goes through that stage of utter mediocrity. Or even below that.

Theories, theories.

I have a lot of theories. Most of them though, I never get to knowing whether they apply in real life as facts or as theories alone until the end. I suck at handling my emotions, and I like to assume we all do at some point or another. In my case however, the normal state is the difficulty at identifying the feeling itself. I have this tendency to over-analyze or misinterpret my own self so as a defense-mechanism, I usually end up pretending that nothing is happening.

I don't know what to blame: my acting skills, my excellent selective memory or my sucker emotional control that I sometimes get to the point of convincing myself about how simple a rather complicated thing is. My pretensions are beyond convincing I assure you. When I have selectively disregarded the facts I proceed to embracing my heart with this fake safety net that I have created for myself. I will feel safe, my mind thinks. But then, what happens at quite moments of uncontrolled tilting of the earth's axis? Now that's another theory I've got - that the earth's axis' tilt is not at all constant. Its angle sometimes changes by infinitesimal degrees. This supposedly negligible change however, results to changes in pressure, so small it affects only your heart, makes it constrict, makes you feel cold and all of sudden very lonely.

Also, it makes you wanna cry, smoke a cigarette or go to the moon. And you wont have any idea why. Or that it's actually because the earth decided to change it's tilt a little bit.

OKAY. Scrap all of those. I know why I wanna cry, smoke or go to the moon at this moment. I know exactly why. I just can't accept it. I mean, why can't I be sad instead because the one I like wont like me back? Or, because I am broke I wont have anything to eat for the whole week?

Why this reason. Why.

PS: I'm so sorry, Earth's tilt, for blaming you. I assume by now you're used to me using you for my escapist tendencies.

The Consolation Prize

Nothing is probably better than knowing where to stand especially when you have been spending a great deal of time trying to define things and twist your perspectives just so they'd fit conveniently to whatever your emotions can handle. But that's an attempt at an escape, as I have realized we cannot really just purely base everything on perspective.

And when you finally get to see things clearly, just as they are,and not as how you would like to see them, it feels as if finally everything will start to be fine. At least, inside you. Because now, you know where is hope and where there is none.

Now it will be easier to indulge in things, without guilt, without thinking about what will happen after wards because now you are sure about your current state's radius.