Mediocre, How Do I Spell

I wonder if everyone goes through that stage of utter mediocrity. Or even below that.

Theories, theories.

I have a lot of theories. Most of them though, I never get to knowing whether they apply in real life as facts or as theories alone until the end. I suck at handling my emotions, and I like to assume we all do at some point or another. In my case however, the normal state is the difficulty at identifying the feeling itself. I have this tendency to over-analyze or misinterpret my own self so as a defense-mechanism, I usually end up pretending that nothing is happening.

I don't know what to blame: my acting skills, my excellent selective memory or my sucker emotional control that I sometimes get to the point of convincing myself about how simple a rather complicated thing is. My pretensions are beyond convincing I assure you. When I have selectively disregarded the facts I proceed to embracing my heart with this fake safety net that I have created for myself. I will feel safe, my mind thinks. But then, what happens at quite moments of uncontrolled tilting of the earth's axis? Now that's another theory I've got - that the earth's axis' tilt is not at all constant. Its angle sometimes changes by infinitesimal degrees. This supposedly negligible change however, results to changes in pressure, so small it affects only your heart, makes it constrict, makes you feel cold and all of sudden very lonely.

Also, it makes you wanna cry, smoke a cigarette or go to the moon. And you wont have any idea why. Or that it's actually because the earth decided to change it's tilt a little bit.

OKAY. Scrap all of those. I know why I wanna cry, smoke or go to the moon at this moment. I know exactly why. I just can't accept it. I mean, why can't I be sad instead because the one I like wont like me back? Or, because I am broke I wont have anything to eat for the whole week?

Why this reason. Why.

PS: I'm so sorry, Earth's tilt, for blaming you. I assume by now you're used to me using you for my escapist tendencies.

The Consolation Prize

Nothing is probably better than knowing where to stand especially when you have been spending a great deal of time trying to define things and twist your perspectives just so they'd fit conveniently to whatever your emotions can handle. But that's an attempt at an escape, as I have realized we cannot really just purely base everything on perspective.

And when you finally get to see things clearly, just as they are,and not as how you would like to see them, it feels as if finally everything will start to be fine. At least, inside you. Because now, you know where is hope and where there is none.

Now it will be easier to indulge in things, without guilt, without thinking about what will happen after wards because now you are sure about your current state's radius.

Patterns and Lines, and if We Ever Notice Them

It can't be that complex, you tell yourself. It's simple, at least you know why it happened. Someone once told me that things happen according to a certain set of conditions. Weird things, abnormal things. Once the conditions have been set, even the unimaginable will unfold beautifully, as if it had been waiting to happen, when in fact it was just a fucking coincidence. Of course, these conditions are subjective. But who sets these conditions? Was it fate? Was it God? The stars? The planets? Oh, I know the answer - it's us, weak human beings. What are these conditions, you may ask for this is getting confusing.

CASE 1: Conditions: Lonely girl. Lonely guy. Jazz bar, soothing music, dim lights, intimate atmosphere. Consequence: They kissed.

CASE 2: Conditions: Sick mother. Graduating son. Utter poverty. Son roams the mall one afternoon, a rich lady forgot her purse on one of those benches. Consequence: He saw it, then took it home even though he can still run after the lady and return the wallet.

CASE 3: Conditions: A sweet girl has a problematic best friend. Her best friend, in spite of being problematic is an awesome friend. They were together all the time. They've been friends for years. Consequence: They fell in love with each other. Both are girls.

CASE 4: Conditions: Two old friends, a guy and a girl. They bumped into each other and decided to catch up for they haven't seen each other in a long time. They talked under the sky, talking about their affairs and issues and other shit. Consequence: He walked her home, and they made love.

I could go on and list cases and cases. But for now, let me give you a quiz and ask about what you think will happen to each of these cases after wards. The correct answers:
CASE 1: The two exchanged numbers, started dating then got married 3 years after.

CASE 2: Son uses the money to pay for hospital bills but the mother died anyway. Son graduates, meets a girl then eventually marries her. 2 years after he learned that the lady whose purse he took was actually his wife's aunt. He spends the rest of his life making up for it.

CASE 3: They embraced their love, lived happily for 2 years but broke up, because of - guess what - some conditions. They remained good friends after that, though. Girl starts dating guys again. Best friend's still in love with her, she got so depressed that they didn't last long. One day she was found dead in her room, overdosed on insecticide.
CASE 4: They remained friends and laughed about what happened. Then, they made love one more time. They started spending a great deal of time with each other,then things went back to normal - the way they were before they bumped into each other.

What I'm saying is, sometimes, no matter how open we think we are, we can't just dismiss things and say they just happen - because we have principles and because us humans are humans, created to have emotions. And because we are made different from each other, we have different emotional make up and hence, perspectives. What might be casual to one person might mean otherwise to another. What might be easy to one person might be very depressing to another one.

What do you do if your emotional make up is not able to handle a thing you thought you will be able to? Do you alter your genetic code? Do you go under a surgery so you become an alien instead, or a robot?

If you look at these things closely, or if you step back and look through a camera with wide-angle lens, you will see that all things actually fit into a pattern and it's as if everything is actually just based on templates as simple as that of Microsoft Powerpoint 2003. No matter how weird, how far-fetch, how unbelievable an event is, it will fit into a pattern. We earthlings just love to sensationalize, draw lines so thin between things that even us can no longer recognize them or whatever the hell are we even trying to distinguish from each other through those thinly-drawn lines. So the next time you think what happened to you is out-of-this-world, remember the word "patterns". Don't be sad, no matter how "first time" it feels, that thing sure had happened before and if it's turning sour, you'll be getting over it just fine.

Just don't regret anything. Only take lessons with you.

In Bullets

I have been writing a lot these days, only that I really don't have the time to go to the internetz each time the moment struck so some pretty pages of paper now own my thoughts instead of this blog. I'm quite glad how my writing is turning out. I've been detached for sometime that I have almost forgotten how it felt after each time I am able to honestly pour myself out. It feels great, and makes me breathe easier. It gives me a taste of peace, and it's as if I can see the knotted threads inside my head disentangle and arrange themselves in a more coherent order. I know disorder can be art, that a clutter can be called organized but my mind does not really need art in that form right now.

Anyways, again, I don't have so much time now so my Christmas break is here in bullets:

• First week of break was spent at my boarding house, catching up with some school work and attending meetings with the Barangay Central's Secretary named Kirby (who is so cute, and gay :))for my organization's Medical Mission


• On the night of lunar eclipse, my friend (and housemate,too) Jam and I went to UP so we could lie down at the amphitheater while staring at the moon. This is the life, man.


• Spent a great deal of hours in front of the computer facebooking my face. I hate it cos I could have used the time to do some more important stuff. Hay, I need to master control over this pakshet.


• Downloaded Haruki Murakami quotes and read my heart away while listening to Up Dharma Down on Christmas Eve. I was at our balcony and the Christmas lights on the house across the street provided just the perfect lighting for my mood, haha!


• Visited QC Circle and went biking at 1230AM with Jam and Cesie. Then on our way home, we crossed the Philcoa overpass while screaming "Penis!" (as inspired by 500 Days of Summer). We are too chicken to scream the Filipino counterpart, though. Yes, this is what mature people do.


• Now I'm back at the boarding house, completing the deficiencies for our plant design


• All these while soundtripping (Thank you most especially to UDD, your music is our drug) and that's all we ever needed. Oh, and a couple of beer in cans too, by the way.

Nothing exciting huh? Maybe this is enough for now. I've got good company and I can go crazy at random moments without being judged so I'm doing fine. Earlier this day, Ceejey visited me and brought some Macaroons which is already enough to make me happy.

I wish I could do a New Year post :/

Bye for now, my secret lover. Hee.

Hello, hello.

Hi, I'm back. I'm back, I've got a lot of excuses though for being gone for that long, first that I am not able to access this account for sometime so I turned to Wordpress and tried to make it work there, but it did not because my life has been extremely boring and I don't really consider academic issues as real life issues anymore so I don't really have anything to write about.

As in a weird movie though, some far-fetched things started showing their selves about a couple of weeks ago. This sem will be intense I guess, because of the acad load (ooops I said this wouldn't be an issue haha) and mainly because of the pressure I will be under. This is supposedly my last semester in college and the most unstable things are happening. Oh well, I have always been like this about school but I should just motivate myself about finally being a fewer inches away from that finish line.

For Ice.

Who are braver? The ones who can face death or the ones who can face life? Who are more of chicken-shit? the ones who want to escape death or the ones who want to escape life?

Yesterday, I received a text from Pril (my bff) telling me her grandmother died. She's been battling with cancer for many months and her condition even seemed to improve since the past few days. It was sad, yes but she said they already know it was going to happen soon. At least April's father was able to come home before she finally left this world.

Today I learned that Ice's brother died. He was 24 and he just got married last April. It was a motor accident and Brian (Ice's brother) died after a couple of hours of struggle in the hospital. Ice is in Korea and will not be coming home. This is really sad, knowing that they are really close. I can't imagine Ice's pain and how I wish I could lift some of that.

I couldn't believe it when I first heard about it. A loss is loss no matter what but somehow when it happens to you when you don't expect it at all, you have to have more courage to even get through the denial stage.

Be strong, Ice. I will be praying for your family. We really can't say when we'll lose the things we dear the most. :(