The once elusive sunflowers. Excuse my face. Hulas na hulas ang makeup dahil sa init ng araw.

Of Things Potentially Tragic

And you were there, sleeping so soundly beside me. It's halfway past five in the morning, the lights were turned off and I can only make out how you look by the light that's coming in through the window from the lamp post outside. It had been raining the whole night, and it still is up to this moment. I think about the cold, I think about you and how, no matter what I do I can't seem to understand why no amount of resistance or control will be able to make me do all things right and that no matter how I try hard to protect your feelings,I will still, at some points, hurt you.

You're different, that said in the spirit of everything cliche-ic. But yes, you are, you are nothing like I have experienced before. Everything I have learned to try to manage my feelings are of no use anymore because the feelings I have now are too abstract a concept to be categorized as controllable, or manageable.

I have come to terms with my being emotional and I have, to some level, mastered the art of ignoring overwhelming feelings or anything emotional that I can't seem to justify. But you came in, crashing in, intensifying everything, catalyzing a variety of reactions inside me - most of which I have a hard time dealing with. My weaknesses, my strengths, my logic, oh how they all got mixed up.

Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed I start to doubt if I have enough stamina to hold on. Or if this is the right time, to get my self involved with something so complicated, just when I'm realizing that I actually have a great deal of immature issues. Sometimes, I get lost, like nothing is familiar, that I'm not even sure if I am still myself. But you stayed, reached out when I turn away, gave me space when you think I need it but came around looking for me when I'm gone too long. Then I remind myself about why we need clarity or security when really, everything is unsure.

I think about how it could have made you felt, expected to meet all my ridiculous standards. I am selfish, and you are, too because nobody in the universe really isn't. I wish I could be more patient but right now, I can only be grateful that you are, even at times that I don't deserve forgiveness.

It scares me, how potentially tragic this can be but then, how can I let this chance pass when you are so beautiful like that?

Some Things We Just Don't Get Used To

There are some things that I never get used to. Like the heat here in my tropical country. I mean, I've never been anywhere else really and it's somewhat illogical that in my 23 years of existence, I still get highly irritable with the heat even if this is the only kind of weather I know.

But that's tolerable. Some other things in this category are well, not. I know that no matter how many times we do this take-you-to-the-airport-wait-three-to-four-years-pick-you-up-at-the-airport thing, I will always, always feel the same. Sad, but I will only give myself a chance at feeling that way for a while because I have no choice. I guess it is supposed to be easy. If I have learned to live with it for the past four years, what's another four?

I realized though that learning to live with something is not the same as getting used to it. The pain is still there, everyday. On some days it will be extreme it'd make you mad. On some other days, it's quiet, as if waiting for a perfect timing of striking.

So next week, you will no longer be here. So at night when I open the fridge, there would no longer be a cup of water with your dentures soaked in it. I'd miss seeing you in your favorite bestida, or seeing you in front of the mirror combing your 'relaxed' hair. That two months you spent here were so short that they were not enough to make your presence seem real, for it feels quite weird to see you inside the house because for the past four years, you were but a voice at the other end of the telephone line. This time though, since I've taught you how to use Skype, it will be different.

I hate to admit it but I regret being so selfish that I fail to focus on our time together. I am always too engrossed in my own issues, and I am still immature. Such a shame for a person of my age.

But here we are, and I can only apologize for being so childish. Oh funny, you know that even if I'm already forty, I'd still be an angsty teenager. I'm so sorry for trying so hard to be tough and pretending I'm just not into the cheesy stuff. I guess I just don't want to get used to you being around.

Until after the next three years, you know I would miss you everyday. Don't worry though, I promise to be nicer, especially to him.

Come on, why are you bathing me in lemonade?

I don't believe it.

What do they say, life is full of surprises? Well, hell I am surprised. And terrified at the same time. It is like being in another roller-coaster-cliche: You're scared, you're excited but over-all it felt great beyond what you have imagined.

Now, even the smallest of details create the strongest turbulence.

Something has been "set a blazed". And I hope that it takes long before dying out.

I hope it never dies out, at all.

Elusive Sunflowers

What if, things do not really happen for a reason? What if they just do? They just happen?

Sometimes I think it is easier to think that things do not happen for some greater purpose shit, because it felt like just some form of consolation when we don't know what else to do or when there is no one else to blame(not that we always need to). It no longer works for me, this karma or destiny thing. Each time I try to give myself comfort by using this mantra, I just get more depressed and worse I feel pathetic, like some voice at the back of my head is screaming in revolt and is trying to rub into my being the stupidity of trying to justify my mistakes with destiny (how many times have I said the word? I apologize, my vocab is not too good at this time especially when I'm thinking about how to finish Utilities Costing for my plant design).

I don't want to believe in greater reasons because I can't handle the level of frustration I get when I really don't get the analogy between wanting something so much and still seeing a part of yourself wasted(okay, what does that mean?).

I think it's easier for me to believe in causes rather than reasons. It's more logical to look at myself being an idiot for persisting with my errors that's why I'd never get the chance to be deserving of those yellow things that mean the world to many of the people I know.

It's easier to accept the fact that I have wasted time and handicapped many beautiful opportunities because I am lazy. Now, I have to do some serious overhaul than stay naive and believe that the Universe will be kind to me someday.

There is no point in believing in reasons actually. You messed up because you are being lead to something better, you got stuck because you have to learn something, someday you'll see?

No, thanks. Things just happen: you messed up, now you have to do some cleaning up.

Pick Up

Pick Yourself Up. Grow up and just fucking do it.

This Day Feels Perfect

I just finished eating breakfast (which my housemate and I cooked)and the day seemed so peaceful. It is cold, maybe because it has been raining the whole night (it was still raining when I went to bed at 4 am). That rain however, was light, there weren't even winds (okay, that was your weather report for last night). It was just cold, and I felt as if I actually needed that slight downpour. It gave me calmness or so that is what I would like to believe in - imagine, I only had around two hours of sleep, I was 30 minutes late to my one-hour PE class but when I went home I still had the energy to cook for breakfast. On normal days I would have just went to bed and catch more sleep.

But this day, I guess is not normal, beyond that I suppose. When we were eating breakfast, the birds were chirping in the background (they still are up to this moment), the radio was on and some 70's music was playing. This is probably some kind of a consolation from the universe, I thought, because I don't even feel the usual grogginess I get when I only had too little sleep.

I have been worrying about a lot of things lately and it's showing in my skin. My eyebags are darker and I always feel funny in my stomach. We call this stress, don't we? I know I usually worry a lot and I know I have to grow up and be less of a panicky person because the truth is, I can't remember a time that I was able to accomplish a lot of things because of constant worrying. I feel inspired today, thanks to the weather. I hope this inspiration fuels me until early hours of tomorrow, please, please Universe.

This day feels really perfect, so even if my Tinikling was not perfect earlier at PE class (I have been tripping on the bamboos demmit), I am claiming this day to be a good one. Bye for now, I got to watch the Tinikling videos I have downloaded on youtube.

I wish you would have a great day, too :)