Come on, why are you bathing me in lemonade?

I don't believe it.

What do they say, life is full of surprises? Well, hell I am surprised. And terrified at the same time. It is like being in another roller-coaster-cliche: You're scared, you're excited but over-all it felt great beyond what you have imagined.

Now, even the smallest of details create the strongest turbulence.

Something has been "set a blazed". And I hope that it takes long before dying out.

I hope it never dies out, at all.

Elusive Sunflowers

What if, things do not really happen for a reason? What if they just do? They just happen?

Sometimes I think it is easier to think that things do not happen for some greater purpose shit, because it felt like just some form of consolation when we don't know what else to do or when there is no one else to blame(not that we always need to). It no longer works for me, this karma or destiny thing. Each time I try to give myself comfort by using this mantra, I just get more depressed and worse I feel pathetic, like some voice at the back of my head is screaming in revolt and is trying to rub into my being the stupidity of trying to justify my mistakes with destiny (how many times have I said the word? I apologize, my vocab is not too good at this time especially when I'm thinking about how to finish Utilities Costing for my plant design).

I don't want to believe in greater reasons because I can't handle the level of frustration I get when I really don't get the analogy between wanting something so much and still seeing a part of yourself wasted(okay, what does that mean?).

I think it's easier for me to believe in causes rather than reasons. It's more logical to look at myself being an idiot for persisting with my errors that's why I'd never get the chance to be deserving of those yellow things that mean the world to many of the people I know.

It's easier to accept the fact that I have wasted time and handicapped many beautiful opportunities because I am lazy. Now, I have to do some serious overhaul than stay naive and believe that the Universe will be kind to me someday.

There is no point in believing in reasons actually. You messed up because you are being lead to something better, you got stuck because you have to learn something, someday you'll see?

No, thanks. Things just happen: you messed up, now you have to do some cleaning up.

Pick Up

Pick Yourself Up. Grow up and just fucking do it.

This Day Feels Perfect

I just finished eating breakfast (which my housemate and I cooked)and the day seemed so peaceful. It is cold, maybe because it has been raining the whole night (it was still raining when I went to bed at 4 am). That rain however, was light, there weren't even winds (okay, that was your weather report for last night). It was just cold, and I felt as if I actually needed that slight downpour. It gave me calmness or so that is what I would like to believe in - imagine, I only had around two hours of sleep, I was 30 minutes late to my one-hour PE class but when I went home I still had the energy to cook for breakfast. On normal days I would have just went to bed and catch more sleep.

But this day, I guess is not normal, beyond that I suppose. When we were eating breakfast, the birds were chirping in the background (they still are up to this moment), the radio was on and some 70's music was playing. This is probably some kind of a consolation from the universe, I thought, because I don't even feel the usual grogginess I get when I only had too little sleep.

I have been worrying about a lot of things lately and it's showing in my skin. My eyebags are darker and I always feel funny in my stomach. We call this stress, don't we? I know I usually worry a lot and I know I have to grow up and be less of a panicky person because the truth is, I can't remember a time that I was able to accomplish a lot of things because of constant worrying. I feel inspired today, thanks to the weather. I hope this inspiration fuels me until early hours of tomorrow, please, please Universe.

This day feels really perfect, so even if my Tinikling was not perfect earlier at PE class (I have been tripping on the bamboos demmit), I am claiming this day to be a good one. Bye for now, I got to watch the Tinikling videos I have downloaded on youtube.

I wish you would have a great day, too :)

Cracks

I have won in my struggle but the victory gave me the weirdest feeling, a terrible, funny kind of pain, and it's as if my body is rejecting the winning.

The only goal of my struggle was to "un-want" something, and it took so much effort because I was intensely at the opposite. I went into the extremes: some days I felt like I want it so much while on some points I was certain I abhor it I even felt like I'm disgusted.

I took so much comfort in that little sphere of abnormalities that I got myself into because inside that sphere I have felt my senses come to life, and they were more alive at those moments than at any other points in my life. But I have seen it clearly - the irrationality of it expanding into real life. That sphere was so frail, that by trying to extend its borders, even by the tiniest almost negligible actions, cracks will be made.

The things inside that sphere were real, though. They were real, they were real. They were real. But they only have a meaning to me.

No matter what you say, I know they don't mean anything to you. But I don't blame you. Heck, it was all just because of my faulty emotional make up. When all this turn to dust, I will not be the same and I'm sure of it. You however, will still be you, unshaken and unaffected. But I don't have a problem with that. I can't have a problem with that.

The problem is that I already know what this means from the very beginning but my genetic code is configured so differently from yours (of course), so I can't look at this the way you do, that I went around twisting and hitting my head somewhere hard - things that were not suppose to happen at all. I thought I can handle this level of deviation - I can't. Our foundation was not suppose to go an inch up the lowest level of Maslow's triangle. I was okay with that - at first. And then,

I was almost falling.

And now I am tired and I am very certain to get back to a stable ground. Actually, I already am. Almost.

So I won, this stability has been my goal but here I am in a twisted world so whether I am on a stable ground or not, I feel burdened.

Must be the February air.

The Restraining Order

To restrain yourself from the doing the things you would like to do for the sake of the more important ones.

The question is, up to what extent will this Order hold?

Where will you buy the stamina needed so you can go further, enough that you would not need any kind of a stupid order?

Yesterday, I've Done Alright.

Yeah, I did.

For there was the restraining act, which made me hurt in my stomach but made me feel alright because I know I did what is right.

And I was so sure it has to start with just one decision: that I don't want this anymore, even if something inside me screams for it that the thought of it always makes me ache.

Yesterday I was so sure about it. So sure that I actually felt free and light in spite of all the rejections of my subconscious. I was sure and there would be no turning back.

Then, I saw you.

And I am back to zero.

But my decision has not changed, and it never will, only that now I know this will be harder.