For Ice.

Who are braver? The ones who can face death or the ones who can face life? Who are more of chicken-shit? the ones who want to escape death or the ones who want to escape life?

Yesterday, I received a text from Pril (my bff) telling me her grandmother died. She's been battling with cancer for many months and her condition even seemed to improve since the past few days. It was sad, yes but she said they already know it was going to happen soon. At least April's father was able to come home before she finally left this world.

Today I learned that Ice's brother died. He was 24 and he just got married last April. It was a motor accident and Brian (Ice's brother) died after a couple of hours of struggle in the hospital. Ice is in Korea and will not be coming home. This is really sad, knowing that they are really close. I can't imagine Ice's pain and how I wish I could lift some of that.

I couldn't believe it when I first heard about it. A loss is loss no matter what but somehow when it happens to you when you don't expect it at all, you have to have more courage to even get through the denial stage.

Be strong, Ice. I will be praying for your family. We really can't say when we'll lose the things we dear the most. :(

Nasan ako?

Sagot: nasa puso mo. Hahaha. Joke yon. Alam naman nating pareho kung sino ang nasa puso mo. Hindi ko rin alam, hindi ako sigurado kung gusto ko rin bang mapunta diyan.

Sa ngayon, natatakot akong matuluyan. Minsan kase, pakiramdam ko, umaasa na ko. Ayoko ng ganun. Gusto ko sanang mag-inarte at sabihing hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko, na hindi ko alam kung ano to. Na hindi ko alam kung bakit madalas kita naiisip - kapag nasa bus ako, nasa trese class, nasa kama ko bago matulog. Isama mo pa yung mga random na pagkakataong hindi ko namamalayan na iniisip na pala kita - daydreaming ba tawag dun? Oo. Hindi ko alam, kahit hanggang ngayon kung bakit ayokong umamin, e kahit kanino mo pa itanong napaka-liwanag naman ng katotohanan.

May gusto 'ko sa'yo.

Parang umiiba yung anggulo ng tilt ng mundo kapag nagtetext ka. Nahihilo ko sa biglang pag-iba ng tibok ng puso ko. Kapag naiiwan tayo na tayong dalawa lang, para 'kong loro - nakakapagsalita pero ginagaya o nirerephrase ko lang yung sinasabi mo, may masabi lang. Basta dapat may masabi, para hindi mo mahalatang wala naman talaga kong masabi (ay, teka, hindi ako sigurado kung nakakapag-rephrase din ang mga loro haha). Hindi ako makapag - isip nang maayos kasi kaya hindi ko alam kung ano sasabihin ko kahit ang tinatanong mo lang naman e kung ano ang sakay ko pauwi. Hindi ako makapag-isip, kase siguro na-o-over power ng puso ko ang isip ko kapag kasama kita (leche. ang baduy. sabi na e, kaya ayokong nagsusulat tungkol dito). Pakiramdam ko makukuryente ako kapag nadikit ako sa'yo kaya hindi ako makakilos kapag malapit ka sa'kin. Kulang nalang manigas ako habang naglalaway at nakalabas ang dila. Hindi rin ako makatingin nang diretso sayo kase nagi-guilty ako. Kase, wala kang kamalay-malay. Nahihiya ako sa nararamdaman ko. Tsaka isa pa, mejo iba na rin nararamdaman ko kapag nakatingin ako sa'yo tapos nakatingin ka sa kanya tapos kitang-kita sa mga mata mo kung gano mo siya ka-gusto. Kahit sinabi mo pa na naka-move on ka na, nababasa ko pa rin sa mukha mo na stuck ka pa rin. Naisip ko, ganun mo siya ka-gusto para makita ko pa rin kahit pa hindi mo na masyadong pinapakita.

Isa pang dahilan kung ba't ayoko ding masyadong nagsasa-sama sayo kase pakiramdam ko pag ganun, tine-take advantage kita. Kaya nga minsan iniisip ko, ano kaya kung sabihin ko nalang sa'yo? Total, sa'yo na din naman nanggaling na mas okay sayo kung sasabihin sayo ng isang tao kung may gusto siya sayo. Para alam mo na kung bakit nawala na yung mga hirit ko, kung bakit hindi na ko makapag-patawa.

E, kaso nga shy ako. Ay hindi pala, takot lang ako na harap-harapan mong sabihin sakin na hindi tayo pareho ng nararamdaman. So, hindi ko na alam kung pride o puso talaga ang iniingatan ko dito ngayon. Basta, nahihiya ako sa'yo. Fuck lang, parang hayskul. Parang first time.

Sabi mo sa'kin tanggap mo na na hindi ka talaga niya type, na wala talaga. Pero hind naman totoo yon dahil nararamdaman ko na umaasa ka pa rin at isang sabi niya lang na oo, sige na nga may pag-asa ka na, bibigay ka na uli at iaalay ang sunken garden sa kanya. Kung alam mo lang, ako, di lang sunken ang idi-dedicate ko sa'yo kundi buong acad oval.

Pag kaya umamin ako sayo, hahayaan mo lang ako na pasayahin ka sa paraang gusto ko? Bibigyan mo kaya ako ng pagkakataon at titingnan kung pwede? Kung may mangyayari?
Kung "Oo" ang sagot mo sa lahat ng yan, pramis, i-ja-jog ko ang acad oval ng limang ikot (hanggang dalawa lang kaya ko so far), at araw - araw ko sasabihin sa'yo na ang kyot mo. Seryoso.

soundtrack: maybe by kelly clarkson

Definitely not a catalyst.

"A catalyst is a substance that affects the rate or direction of a chemical reaction, but is not appreciably consumed during the process." (Definition of a catalyst from one of my textbooks)

I am not a catalyst. Because what's been happening to me in the past few weeks is that, I am appreciably consumed yet I don't feel like I am significant enough to affect the reaction I am in right now whatsoever. I don't know if I can still stretch my understanding and be able to take this or eventually get used to this. I mean, it has been a long-term struggle of trying to lower my expectations of people - and I have learned how not to take things too personally. If you have known me before, you will say I have changed quite significantly. I have grown up and I have learned to accept people for who they are, in spite of the flaws and the unrequited fondness.

I haven't felt this way in quite a long time, to tell you. In fact, one of the things I have been really really proud of during the past few years despite the constant and determined turmoil of events in my life is that at least, I am secure and at peace with most of the relationships that I cherish.

I guess things just piled up without me knowing - now there is this uneasy feeing in my stomach that I'm sure was from a growing anxiety inside my heart. I've been feeling like I'm just being used (this is depressing I can't even bring my self to write down the exact events) and that I am not being appreciated. Sure I have felt like I was just an extra before, but I was able to deal with that but recent events made me feel like I really am an extra, to the point that I could no longer consider this as something my imaginative mind just imagined. I feel like I could just be dumped anytime. It sucks, because I sound like some teenager full of angst. And I am not even a teenager. I'm twenty-two so please catalyze my life and let love prevail. Thanks.

PS: I'm in a public wi-fi station and this creepy girl beside me keeps glancing over what I was typing. wth. at least wait for me to publish this.

The "Extra" in an Ordinary Day

Most days of the year are unremarkable, really, and I think there's a good reason behind it. I mean, if everyday were remarkable, our brains would explode from all the memories and the remarkability of each day! Our minds would probably twist and twist just so it could accomodate everything, haha. Anyway, this day is rather just an ordinary day, except that, it is actually not. Reasons, reasons, reasons:

1. I woke up early because I still have to enlist one more subject but when I went downstairs for breakfast my father announced that we are doing grocery today and asked if I would go with them. Without second thoughts of course, I said yes, and I would just postphone going to school until after lunch. Now, I have to tell you that grocery shopping is actually a major activity in our family - it's so major it's almost sacred. It kind of became a ritual over the years - if someone in the family can't go, we will postphone shopping until everyone's free. That's how important it is for us. So don't tell me I'm some slacker putting off school stuff just like that,haha. So, yeah, today is not ordinary because every grocery shopping day is not to be considered ordinary, at least in our family.

2. I went to school but did not find the people (read: professors and instructors) I was looking for. The weather was hot again and I was wearing this tight shirt that made my ordeal a lot more unbearable. I was sweating, my underarms were sweating! It was awful. Then my back started aching and so as my head. So then, I decided I can't take it anymore and went home. On my way home though, I suddenly felt the urge to buy underwear so I drop by some damned, ancient mall along the way. Hahaha. When I was at the department store, I saw they still have this paul frank underwear I bought last month, but in a variety of different colors! I bought another one and I don't know why I felt extremely happy. Please, don't judge me.

3. I suddenly remembered my ex while I was looking out of the jeepney window on my way home. To tell you honestly, I don't think about him often. I mean, I sometimes remember him, most of those times are when I'm travelling (I can't explain why). Sometimes, I'll just remember him for a few seconds, other times for the whole span of my commute. I can say I really don't have a problem with this though and I even think it was nice to remember him once in a while. This particular time, I thought about him for only a few minutes and I can't even remember what specific thing I was remembering him about. I went on line upon arriving home (okay, after eating two slices of pizza) and was surprised to see a chat message from him(my ex). A part of our conversation went like this:

Him: Hey. What's up?
Me: *****! I was just thinking about you earlier! haha. I'm fine. How are you?
Him: Hehe. I'm good. You know what, yesterday, I was reading your letters in that notebook you gave me. Haha, this is funny
Me: Hahaha. We're still connected somehow don't you think? Haha
Him: Haha

Funny, isn't it? We're so different now and I am hell certain I don't feel anything romantic about him anymore but I have to admit that the connection I had with him was something I still haven't had with anyone else yet, and I doubt I would have with someone else in the future. Really, nothing compares to your first love. HAHAHA.

4. I went home and found 4 slices of pizza left - usually, I would already be lucky if there is still one slice left. Today is really extraordinary. Really. Four slices of pizza left? Imagine that.

5. I finished reading Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood, which I only started yesterday. I can't say it was brilliant because it's just another love story. It's just another love story sans chessiness and cliches so still it was good.

6. My youngest siblings(they're twins) got their hair rebonded or relaxed today and they look really pretty. I sort of envy them though because when I was their age, I don't even have the slightest idea that such treatment exist. Hahaha.

7. My father got so upset because my younger sister mis-sent a text message to him that was supposed to be for one of my other two siblings. Guess what the text message contains? I can't tell you but it was foul and I'm sure my father was hurt. I know I have hurt him, too a lot of times and the truth is, I don't think he deserves such disrespectful daughters (I should point out that I am including myself).

8. Today is officially the last day of my vacation and tomorrow will be the start of my, so hopefully hopefully, last year in UP. School will be a jungle once again and I will have to fight another hard battle - and with this, I'm not pertaining to a struggle with my academics, with the people around me but mainly with myself. I hope I make it out alive. Cheers!

When I think about it, days are ordinary or extraordinary depending on how you look at them. I hope to have more extraordianry days though, even if my head will have to explode because of that!

I guess it's true.

Maybe they have been right all along.

Maybe we really don't forget about someone we used to love. Maybe we just get used to them not being around anymore, maybe we just get to accept the fact that they can no longer stay with us(geez, I'm not talking about dead people hahaha). And, maybe it's true, once we give out a piece of our hearts, we can no longer take it back - even when it's given back to us.

I don't know. I'm not sure. Will this explain why after years and years of having moved on, you still feel something inside you twitch when you think about how things used to be? I wonder, really because the case is not always like that. Some times you might even spend hours looking at someone's picture(okay, really I don't do that) and feel like you've never known that person even if that person used to be the only one you seem to know that well. But there are these random moments when you feel like you miss them so much and you wonder why things did not turn out okay. Or why they did not stay longer. Or why we have to forget about people we love so that one day they're just someone you used to love. I mean, can't we just love them forever? As in the kind of love that gives the person a free will, the one that does not demand. The one that does not try to possess. I'm such an advocate, huh?

I just realize that it's sad how we have to stop loving someone, how we have to force ourselves to stop considering a person as someone special. How a person we used to know becomes someone so unfamiliar. It makes me sad that it seems like things just go that way, that we may not want to do it but sooner or later we will (have to) forget about the people we love if things did not work out.

Maybe this is just some kind of a hangover from watching too many korean rom-com series (currently I'm gaga over Coffee Prince ahaha) or maybe this is just a manifestation of how loyal I really am, oh well, should I put in a "hehe"? Seriously, I'm one of the loyaleeest person you'll ever meet. It just makes me sad having to see someone fade out of my life. But I'm doing just fine adjusting to the laws of nature you know.

I might have forgotten about how I have felt about you, my feelings died and I really am not hoping we'll be friends again. I would be lying if I say I think of you often, because I don't. But I do remember you sometimes and though I have completely moved on, I still feel like I miss you and I hope, deep deep down that you're doing fine. I know we're better off not being friends but I want you to know that our memories make me smile and that uh, you will always be special. :)

Fugacity, or the tendency to escape.

Because I'm not sure if it's me who's been eating thermodynamics for the longest time now or if it's the other way around. Anyways, if it's true I've replaced my basic human needs with thermodynamics instead, I think I'm anorexic. I eat, and then I puke. I don't intend to. Sometimes I think my system is just not hardwired to take in all those fucking real gas properties and freaking Poynting correction factor at the very least. Alright, I have had enough rant sessions about my current "academic" situation so I'm not going to delve into that so much. For now.

I haven't been writing. I'm so surprised that my journal(yes, a notebook similar to the logbook of security guards) has 3 months worth of empty pages. Ever since I was in grade six, the longest interval for my entries would be three weeks. Never was it more than a month. And then, this.

Maybe it was because nothing interesting has really been going on. I mean, I don't hate my life, it's just that, right now, it's mechanical. Or maybe, my laziness has just reached an all time high. It was only recently that I realized how I have been feeling so sleepy everytime I'm caught under an unwanted situation. I'd even doze off for a few moments during some of my exams! My gawd, how I need psychiatric help. I think it is my body's defense mechanism. I feel so guilty for always wanting to escape, or for always wanting to be somewhere else and it scares me that I'm getting used to it. Gaah, this is my life and no matter how screwed up it could get, I know I'm still the one responsible for it. It's a hard battle, really. Ah, please please make my fugacity much lower. {I sound so angsty and nerdy you won't believe I dance to SNSD's songs. Haha,hathis is what I got from chemical engineering}

never again

What do you do when you were not able to wake up on time for your 8am (when you check the time, it's already 12 noon) class because you stayed awake until 530am doing a probset?

You recheck the time.

You check your phone and when you see 5 missed calls and many messages asking you where you were, you accept the truth - you missed one laboratory class which is worth a lot.

And then you sit up and cry at the edge of your bed, out of frustration, for not hearing any of the three clocks you set to alarm at 7am - no, you actually remembered snoozing one of them.

I felt bad the whole day because I was so frustrated with myself. And I feel sorry that my negative energies rubbed off on others (thankfully, they were patient enough to understand and even tried cheering me up). This day is one of those days where you have to tell yourself that you suck and then you feel that very strong desire to pick everything up and do all you can to prevent this from happening again.

I suck. In the future maybe I'll suck again, at doing other things. But never again, at this.