The Past Three Months

Yesterday was the last day of the Chemical Engineering Licensure Exam - I was suppose to take it but didn't. The decision to back out (ouch, stings) came late October when I wasn't even halfway through the things I needed to review to say that I am ready, I can take the exam. I was sure it will feel like suicide if I just went ahead and take it, like a soldier going into battle with mediocre skills and mediocre training. So I decided to postpone it, spent an entire day composing a text to my parents (Mom is in Italy, Dad is in Samar) explaining my need for more time and my plans for the next year. Then I spent another day bracing myself for their nagging or for another lecture. But (but!), but of all buts, my father replied with what could be one of the most surprising, sweetest messages I have received from him in a long time:

 "Okay anak. Ikaw ang nakakaalam ng sitwasyon. Kung sa palagay mo mahihirapan ka, wag mo pilitin. Mabuti yan mag enrol ka sa review center para mas makareview ka ng mahusay. :) :) :)"

 Three smileys? Three? My father don't use smileys! Haha. Why was it the sweetest? I expected my mother will understand, she always does. But my father, I need to explain further, I always need to justify my actions so when he just said it's okay without questioning me and implying he trusts my decision, it meant a lot. Actually, it was my mother this time that I needed some explaining further to. Surprising turn of events, yes. In the end, she said alright, I'd support you all the way. I cried after my mother called me, I just felt very grateful and undeserving of all this. The next day, I went to Enchanted Kingdom. Haha. My first time again after almost 4 years. The past three months brought me to places I didn't expect I will be. After resigning from work I thought I'd be spending a great deal of time in my room studying away. I guess I got carried away with the freedom and also, been blessed with some opportunities to travel that I just can't say no to.

 In August, my father asked me to accompany my cousin to La Union to do some paperworks. Mind you, I was beyond excited. Haven't traveled in a while. My La Union memories were of my bibo nephew, Emil.

Since it was just a two-hour bus ride from where my cousin lives, we also alloted time to visit Baguio, pinush ko talaga to. Literal na after ten years! Only a few people were strolling around the city when we went there. Maybe because it was drizzling and it wasn't the Holidays yet. Felt like we had the place to our selves! I was so happy!!! (more !!!! haha)

Before heading back to Manila, we also had to pass by Nueva Ecija and there I met a very interesting co-mountain-enthusiast man (cousin of my cousin), Kuya Angelo, who loves flowers. They've got all sorts of plants in their garden, it was amazing. He invited us to visit his farm but we didn't have enough time so we had to pass on that :( Anyway, he gave me an orchid to take care of, which by the way hasn't bloomed yet until now. Still alive but not blooming.

A week after this trip, I got fed up with my hair I had it chopped:

A lot of people questioned me for cutting off my "pretty hair", what with its natural waves, nice texture am I not happy about? I don't know. I guess I'm just bored and lazy. Too lazy to shampoo and style such hair.

September rolled around with some emotional turmoil and random meetups. It was my first time to go to a book fair with Julius. Then saw Margret again after a long, long time.

Then came October - critical, intense and busy! First I got reunited with my two college barkadas ( I graduated late so I have barkadas from different batches hihi). 

These are my younger barkadas. Haha. It's been a over a year since we last went out. God, I missed them. We recently volunteered in packing relief goods for the Yolanda survivors and I just felt happy that we have shared that experience with each other.

Here are my ka-age barkadas hehe. Cue "it's always a good time" here:

October is also my birthday (and my father's and my youngest siblings' too haha). I had a really good one. :)

Photos from the twins' 18th birthday (Frisbee and Picnic afternoon in UP :)):

A few weeks ago I also had the chance to go to Tagaytay and visit The Puzzle Mansion:

I hate writing long posts as this one because I have a tendency to digress towards the end. Also as you may have noticed, I have decided to chop some more of my hair. And I'm thinking of chopping some more next week. Anyway, the next thing I'm looking forward to is the Mt. Pulag climb with my college friends. I'm so excited I'm actually physically training for it (though we're taking the easy trail haha). Good lord I hope I don't get sick, and I hope we will be blessed with a very nice weather. 

Right now, I'm under so much pressure but I'm learning to be more graceful, to be a bit nicer, to be more patient with others and with myself. It will be tough, as I'm one immature brat but I'm determined of being a better version of myself  especially in the coming years. I don't want to rot away with my inferiority complex, insecurities and fear of failure. So help me, Universe. :)

Love, K. 

Let's See

Let's see where the next three months will take me.

Shift + Delete, and other braver things.

You probably think that I hardly pay attention to you, or the things that you say. Or the things that piss you off, or those that get you. You probably think I don't know the look in your eyes when I say something off, something along the lines of "I just don't want to and I don't care about anything else.", each time you ask me why I wasn't talking to you. You probably think I don't recognize the smile on your face when I catch you off-guard and you try to hide the awkwardness, or when you want to veer my attention to something else other than the truth - because you don't know how to lie. I know all these, and their familiarity to my system makes me rather unskilled at handling the emotions that come out each time I recognize what your gestures and your expressions mean. I am not that naive. I'm rather good at remembering what face comes with what state of mind as I'm good at remembering lines from songs and movies. You assume I can't handle any transparency, that you're protecting me from trying to hide things from me but I am actually adept at finding answers to all my curiosity. I. will. always. find. a. way. And I'm being pushed away, by my own self. By my insecurities that you unintentionally feed, by your poor proper-sentence-construction-skills, by your lack of understanding that I'm almost always capable of fixing myself, that you don't have to feel bad about it because I have always been that way, that you don't have to feel like you have to make all things better for me. By your inability to make me understand why you are trying so hard to keep this thing that had been gone so long ago, your attempts all focused and unique to this one thing when there are others obviously more deserving. It must be really special. Also, by your inability to learn that I am a person of harsh words, words that burn and stab when I don't intend them to, that this is the main reason why I choose to be a mute when I am emotionally charged because I might create more damage than I can attend to, that I need to breathe, I need air, I need to get some outer space air then just back when I am no longer at a boiling point. You are not the only weird person here. I can tell people off by being wrong at their grammar, by not falling in line properly, by not following simple traffic rules, by being plain jerks but I can never for the life of me, tell someone off when I am being neglected, or feeling disrespected - by the people I care for, or by the people who I think care about me, too. I always find it inconvenient to verbalize my thoughts when the feelings are personal and they no longer involve strangers being asshole in public places. I realize I don't like public confrontation of my feelings (when I say public it means to confront in front of someone else than myself). I just never learned how to do it, you know. I always end up being melodramatic (which I totally hate) and not able to communicate my point properly. I always end up being a disaster, and feeling senseless and disgusted at myself. So I ask you, to be more understanding of my incapacity to talk when I'm emotional. Please don't force me to talk, just leave me alone but be kind enough to give me the chance to speak when I'm ready. And please don't cut me off when I'm talking, don't dismiss my points and try to see my side. Try to really see my side. Also, please pretend to listen when I'm talking so enthusiastically about something because there's nothing more discouraging than not having an audience when you think you have just discovered something really worth sharing, or having to stop talking because the person you're with seems totally uninterested with what you re saying. Geez, how heartbreaking. Just, pretend to listen. Just, pretend. (Cue in The Cardigans here) I have paid so much attention, so much that I've seen things I wasn't supposed to see. Don't get mad at me for the littlest things because that makes me feel very stupid. I know your patience stretches far more than that. I know you can do better than that. You've done it before, you can do it again for sure. Just, show me what you mean when you said it was over. *Note to self. PS: I was supposed to write about something else and ended up with this, hence the title has nothing to do with the content.

So It Goes

Dizzying.

Noisy

There's just so much going on in my mind right now. Fees, taxes, body weight, paper cranes and lilies. Bulging belly and the occasional temptation to sticks of cigarettes. And how I actually loathe them, lighted and smoked by someone else. Bazaar brochures, and my efficiency that equates to less than fifty percent of my boss's. Clothes for tomorrow, and how different people can be. How sometimes you just wanted to be alone, so you can bury yourself in self-pity because it feels addicting and it makes you feel alive, because it makes your heart beat faster. You want to be alone so no one would see just how dark it is inside your mind. Because you're scared that once they see it, they will not understand, and you will be misjudged and then you will come to the conclusion, that in the end you've got nothing but yourself. That it's not true that there is such thing as infinite tolerance. And though you like being alone at times, you dont really want to get used to it, forever. It's complicated, being human. Can I be a Venus Trap, instead? If I'm a Venus Trap, the noise that I will be hearing is that of the bees and insects only, which I will eat. It's too noisy. Too much noise, too much static. I've hung too many ugly things in my mind, and now whatever I do I can't detach them from where they are. they glare at me everyday, screaming at me. Disabling me. As well as my desire to eat ice cream. The universe knows how all I wanted is to know that you are mine, and that I just want to hold your hand every time. And I just want you to be more patient with me, with all this nonsense. With all the nonsense overflowing from I dont know where inside this unhealthy body. I just want, to make you happy. I just want you to want me as much as I want you. I talk shit.

The once elusive sunflowers. Excuse my face. Hulas na hulas ang makeup dahil sa init ng araw.

Of Things Potentially Tragic

And you were there, sleeping so soundly beside me. It's halfway past five in the morning, the lights were turned off and I can only make out how you look by the light that's coming in through the window from the lamp post outside. It had been raining the whole night, and it still is up to this moment. I think about the cold, I think about you and how, no matter what I do I can't seem to understand why no amount of resistance or control will be able to make me do all things right and that no matter how I try hard to protect your feelings,I will still, at some points, hurt you.

You're different, that said in the spirit of everything cliche-ic. But yes, you are, you are nothing like I have experienced before. Everything I have learned to try to manage my feelings are of no use anymore because the feelings I have now are too abstract a concept to be categorized as controllable, or manageable.

I have come to terms with my being emotional and I have, to some level, mastered the art of ignoring overwhelming feelings or anything emotional that I can't seem to justify. But you came in, crashing in, intensifying everything, catalyzing a variety of reactions inside me - most of which I have a hard time dealing with. My weaknesses, my strengths, my logic, oh how they all got mixed up.

Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed I start to doubt if I have enough stamina to hold on. Or if this is the right time, to get my self involved with something so complicated, just when I'm realizing that I actually have a great deal of immature issues. Sometimes, I get lost, like nothing is familiar, that I'm not even sure if I am still myself. But you stayed, reached out when I turn away, gave me space when you think I need it but came around looking for me when I'm gone too long. Then I remind myself about why we need clarity or security when really, everything is unsure.

I think about how it could have made you felt, expected to meet all my ridiculous standards. I am selfish, and you are, too because nobody in the universe really isn't. I wish I could be more patient but right now, I can only be grateful that you are, even at times that I don't deserve forgiveness.

It scares me, how potentially tragic this can be but then, how can I let this chance pass when you are so beautiful like that?